literature

Tongue of Language

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LMW-The-Poet's avatar
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Literature Text

You're like another language
Racing through my mind:

I have to choose the correct way
For how your name will slip off
My own tongue,

And before I say a single word,
I check to be sure that I won't
Be your faux pas.

All you leave me with
Is what language you are;
Not about a person, it was simply inspired by me trying to speak italian when learning french. .-. Tip: don't try and learn four languages at once - stagger your learning so you're not at the same level with everything.

Because I was persuaded with chocolate, here is a friend's alternate ending:
All you leave me with
Is what language you are;
Perhaps that can be left
For our tongues to discover.

(Personally, I think this chocolate tastes better than if that ending were real...)
© 2015 - 2024 LMW-The-Poet
Comments4
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eaterjolly1's avatar
:star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

3 Stars for technique might be a bit disingenuous since it is my belief that most are worthy of only 1.
Keep in mind I don't take pleasure in quantifying the quality of someone else's self-expression, but, unlike with drawing, it seems very few take the time to place shadows let alone determine which direction they should be pointing.

When a person is an unpracticed painter, none of their shadows agree and they tend to look more cartoony than realistic. This is how I feel about this. You seem to be demonstrating the power of straightening squiggles and doing black splotches behind some things, but you don't seem very careful about what or where you obfuscate. The difference between what I'm described is the same as the difference between a Rembrandt and a Picasso: Rembrandt's to me look like slightly altered reality, while Picasso's seem more like a weird dream brought on by a marathon of Wizard of Oz remakes.

Ironically, language itself I rarely see discussed, even though that's all writers are supposed to be thinking about. I feel like there is so much missing potential in this piece of prose, so much that could be said or could be added. This does come up as an inspiring piece simply by a well-designed lack of "something", so again I hate to put numbers to how good things are.